January 11, 2020
To Dr. Dhruv
The one who told me
————–
What am I
A wonder of God’s creation
A conscience scrawling out from my mothers’s womb
A creature with a birth date
—————–
Am I friendly
Peaceful
Angry
Irritable
Generous
Manipulative
Jealous
Cruel
Forgiving
Cool
———-
What makes me me
A combination of genes
A by-product of my experiences
——————-
Or am I just
Another case
Of genetic modification
—————-
A meddling of medical science
Why am I calm and quiet
Is it me
Or the drugs in my body
The ones
That the doctors give me
—————-
Why am I angry
Is it me
Or the side-effect
Of the drugs in my body
The ones
That the doctors give me
——————-
A precocious child was I
Full of mirth and joy
—————-
Then came the aasthma
Sleepless nights
Tiresome days
We found a medicine
It brought relief
As bitter as can be
No side effects
It’s Ayurvedic
———-
Headlines on paper
CORTSONE it contains
—————-
What did it make me
What did it do
To my mind
I’ll never know
——————
You will not marry
You’re a professional
———
They’re looking for
A secretary
A teacher
A partner
An equal
Or a subordinate
——-
You can’t be
Superior
——–
Teachers are great thought I
They mould the child
Into an angel
Secretaries too
Are more than equal
———–
Your profession
Does not
Define you
——————
My parents persisted
Let her finish said they
Then we will worry
About the knot
—————-
Call from an uncle
An ad in the paper
Before I graduate
An marriage offer
A professional too
———-
Temptation calls
Now my parents
Need worry no more
People’s jibes
Are now finally over
—————–
Rings exchanged
We’re engaged
—————
Demands….
That can’t be fulfilled
Out and over
The relationship broken
We have escaped!
—————
But sadness settles
deep in my heart
—————
My mom is sick
She can’t breathe
A little prick
CORTISONE
—————–
All is well
And then
Depression sets in
————–
It’s in and out
All her life
Never to go
——————
Letters drop out
From the slit
In our door
Come meet us they say
But there is
My unwilling heart
—————–
Finally a job
To join later
When my certificate
Is mine
—————
No more proposals
No more marriage
I will chart
my own path
—————
Cajoling and tears
Try again they say
Everyone’s not the same
—————
Fine say I
I’ll give it a try
—————-
A fine young man
A stutter in his throat
A smile on his face
A Twinkle in his eye
Undoubtedly overweight
——————
Something deep inside
Strikes a chord
He knows about
My broken strings
He wants to help me
Heal
——————-
No engagement we say
No formalities
You’re allowed to go
Say my parents
Find compatibility
————–
We find love
—————
He proposes
I accept
And the story of my life
Is forever sealed
—————
He lifts me up
From the depths of despair
We’re at the altar
a joyous pair
————-
Our wedding
A grand celebration
Of two compatible families
Joined together
————-
Now the surprise
That will destroy my life
———-
A strong word
Too strong
For I’m still alive
————–
We’re up in the mountains
In the cold
Freezing
————-
I’m out of breath
Furiously wheezing
I’m dying I say
Can’t take it any more
—————
My husband bewildered
Not knowing
To knock on which door
————-
Magic happens
We’re taken
To an old man
A wise old doctor
————–
Just a prick
Your troubles are over
—————-
Miracle happens
My wheeze is gone
I’m fine as ever
Medical science obliged
—————-
Back to home
I’m not me
I see miracles
Everywhere I go
All is special
Life beautiful
—————-
Back to work
I’m not my past
I’m modified
That little prick
Did the trick
CORTISONE it was
That changed my life
—————
I get no sleep
My thoughts race
The glimpses of heaven
The superior intellect
I rejoice in the power
I wallow in the pain
Seek perfection
Find ugliness
In human hearts
————–
The delusion
The ideas
That can save
The human race
—————
The new generous heart
Willing to share it all
————-
The transformation
Hits all by surprise
—————
Pushed to a wall
I’m no longer me
I’m a maniac
An angry
Aggressive
Deluded
Animal
—————-
Was I meant
To be this person
—————–
Then trouble comes
Things put together
By one and all
————
She’s possessed
They say
Get her exorcised
—————
A mysterious man
In the dark corridor
Don’t talk to that girl
Whose room you share
The devil is in her
Oh what do I care
—————-
She talks to me
about her life
The discussion wanders
To numerology
A word
I’d never heard
I use Numbers she says
To predict the numbers
Of the future
I think she is
In need of help
—————-
Her fingers mangle
Her eyes rotate
I grab my Bible
Not read what it says
Fear awakens
Screams inside
I shut my eyes
And face a new day
—————
There she is
And another
She bounces unnaturally
And the other screams
We are a legion
We are greater
She screams back
Come get me
They are praying
—————-
I’m frozen
Mesmerised
A look from the priest
Pray!
I do my best
Not my world is this!
—————
I’m tested again
The priest meets me
And let’s me off
Not told a thing
What’s going on
—————
But I’m palmed off
To a shrink
—————-
He stares at me
Intently
With an all knowing gaze
And that’s when I get
The lithium
————-
Oh had we known
What was in store
We would have scurried
Down that mountain
And rushed
To our abode
————-
But now I have
The side effects
Of the side effect
Of CORTISONE
—————
Certified bipolar
My body drugged
My brain benumbed
I sleep it off
—————–
I’m a changed person
—————–
This time
I’m nice
Pleasant
Quiet
Dumb
Is that the real me
—————
The Ministry of the Word
Poring over the Bible
Two years of hard work
Enlightenment
Bliss
—————–
Whispers at the office
I’m drooling on my desk
But they are kind
I keep my job
——————
People are kind
Their all knowing smile
Not one asks….
What happened
Too touchy a topic
To be touched
—————-
But I am lonely
No one to pour
Out my heart
No one to tell
What I’ve been through
—————
Except my mother
But she too
Uncomfortable
With the discussion
—————-
Forget the past she says
—————-
But it just can’t
Be wished away
—————–
They are all kind
And patronising
Full of sympathy
And understanding
—————
But my friends
Drift away
My coworkers also
My neighbours too
—————-
And my family
They protect
They cushion
But no one wants to
get into the taboo
The loneliness
The depression
—————
The medicines act
I get better
Ask for a transfer
———
My boss is an angel
My faculties awake
I do what I enjoy
the most
Solve problems
————-
There’s satisfaction
Everyone’s there
But not a friend
Incapable I am
Of conversation
—————
My memory plays tricks
On my mind
I don’t want any
Interaction
I’m crazy they think
They know
I’m seeing a shrink
—————
Sent out of town
Crisis strikes
In the organisation
As usual
Another miracle
A surreal experience
I stumble upon
A major solution
———–
No one knows
But the guy next door
That I did find
That billion dollar number
They spent sleeplessness days
Hunting for
—————-
The old age home
Happy to be
Of service
The Holy mass
Oh who is there
But the priest I know
In a foreign land
—————–
The nun
She looks into my soul
Your husband is elsewhere
You are here
There is none
In your home
A child
Is what you want
That’s your happiness
—————-
My eyes glisten
I want a child
Not possible
With the medicine
Side effects….on the fetus
—————-
I have a solution
No medicines say I
I’ll ride my mania
In the confines of my home
Brilliant I say
I will beat the system
My husband plays along
Month after month
No sign
Of life
————–
Worry not says the doctor
We create life
No hassles involved
Just a few injections
I fall for the trap
Those little pricks
Don’t hurt at all
The hope in my heart
Burns bright
—————
The day arrives
That positive line
Praise be to God
Life has arrived
—————-
The side effects
Of the hormones
I’m a changed person
Again
—————-
The racing thoughts
The mighty plans
Gods hand I see
All is divine
The allegations
The imperfections
Of all but me
The need to give
I see the poor
My life’s ambition
To make the world
A better place
A million things
I can do
To make things fine
But is that me
——————
Back to drugs
Hospitalised
The fetus gone
No light in my life
My hope is gone
My ambitions too
————–
I sleep all day
To get through
——-
That primordial need
For a child
Refuses to go
—————
I’ve quit my job
I’m calm, I’m placid
I just need documents
To get my child
—————-
Get a daughter I’m told
A son won’t do
A daughter would
Make me happy
As much as a son
————–
Up in the morning
To that holy place
Little bundles of joy
In tiny cribs
———
Some have no hands
Some no feet
But they all
Clamour
For your touch
They don’t let go
Of your fingers
Clasping them
In their little palms
—————-
The special ones
My heart goes out to
Not for you they say
The foreigners
They take them
————–
You take that bundle
————
The pediatrician
Examines
All is well
Shes certified
—————-
Paperwork I’m told
My doctor certifies
I’m mentally fit
To nurture a child
Am I, I wonder
To be a mother
————-
The day arrives
This beautiful face
A big empty smile
A gurgle
Just skin and bones
————–
She slowly grows
Those pretty eyes
Mom’s sleepless nights
To feed that babe
And let me sleep
—————-
Before we know it
She’s on her feet
Speaking her language
So innocent and sweet
———-
A companion she needs
I say
To be her joy
To share her lot
Of being adopted
————–
No say the sisters
The queue is long
So many parents…
Waiting….
I reconcile
—————-
On my way home
A ring…
I hurry back
My husband is there
Our joy knows no bounds
God has given us…
another…..
—————
We are overjoyed
Two girls to love
Our family complete
—————
She’s different
The little one
Unsatisfied
Drives me crazy
But she’s our joy
—————
Wealth is ours
And Health too
Happiness follows
————–
Fatehpur Sikri
The Dargah
The only man
In a lungi
Tia a knot
A baby boy
In your arms
————
We balk
We’re complete
Our children are ours
Daughters are better
Than any other
————–
But fate deals
Another hand
That day….
I’m pregnant
It’s been 3 months
I never knew
I’m perfectly fine
—————
Then comes the stress
He won’t be fine
The doctor says
A cleft
A limb
Or worse….
Our hearts are pierced
I fight back
Scour the net
For hope
Limb or cleft
Or worse….
He’s a gift
A God given one
Ours not to choose
—————–
We carry on
The hormones rage
The mania
I’m hospitalised
My health destroyed
The care
The warmth
The fear welling
In my heart
————-
They pray
The nameless ones
Sleepless nights
All for my child
————-
The chosen day
Not Gods chosen one
He’s cooked enough
We’ll get him out
We play along
The doctor knows
————-
They cut me up
I feel no pain
No anxiety
The prick
Has taken care of that
————-
He’s out
He’s lifted up
For me to see
A vision in pink
His body complete
A miracle…
————-
All is fine
And joyous again
—————
My mother in law
Shares her secret
She prayed to the nuns
Years ago
Never to go back
Till we had a boy
————-
I hate her
For all the suffering
I love her more
For giving me
My child
———-
I close my womb
No more suffering
For my family
I decide
————-
Hindsight tells me
I should have trusted
The Creator
He knows best
I know
I’m forgiven
————
Then the cough
And the wheeze
This little boy
I insist
No CORTISONE
—————
It’s just a millionth
Of what you got
It won’t harm him
—————
Sleepless nights
Soothing my child
CORTISONE I will avoid
————-
My doctor’s gone
Back to the old
That medicine you’re taking
You don’t require
We meekly submit
To medical advice
—————
Mania overtakes
My kids suffer
My husband pleads
I swallow
————
It’s not suicide
I tell him the dosage
But he’s paranoid
The hospitals won’t take me
We turn to the government
—————
I see the apathy
And run away
To my workplace
—————
I’m deluded
Trying to meet
The one I think
Can bring change
————–
I’m in rehab
Drugged
Sleepy
Lonely
Tied up
My days float away
Missing my little ones
Every single day
—————-
No one wants me
The patients….
I talk too much
They say
True
It’s difficult to deal
With a bipolar
I’m resigned to my fate
————-
Meditate they say
But I can’t
Still my mind
Never could
————–
Injustice
I can’t stand
That’s the part of my self
I recognise
To be my own
————–
Finally home
My 3 kids
There to hug
My 3 good friends too
My world is back
But what am I?
—————
Dull
Boring
Anxious
Shy
Lonely
My self esteem
Down in the pits
————-
Eyes everywhere
All knowing
No single question
Of where I’ve been
Not from family
Not from friends
Not from neighbors
Not from anyone
————–
All are warm
All our friendly
But no one wants
To intrude
To know the mystery
————–
How are you keeping
That’s all they ask
A question?
Or decency?
—————
Hushed voices
In the backround
She’s not well
Sleep it out
Rest
You’ll be fine
Fine
What’s fine
————–
I’m alive
A forced smile
I try to find happiness
In my lovely family
But something deep
Is still empty
————–
I’m practically useless
I’m languishing
In mediocrity
I’m a housewife
Kids in school
Everything is done
Like clockwork
—————
I pretend
To be content
What am I now
A farce
—————
Stress strikes again
I’m being abnormal
I want to donate
To the church
A small amount it may be
Its a sign
Of generosity
Of bipolarity
—————-
I fight
I reach out
To the family
A call for help
——
She’s going up again
They surmise
I’m turning aggressive
Like a dog
Pushed into a corner
———-
They panic
Rehab they say
Not knowing
What that entails
————-
My parents shelter
But they can’t take it
Any longer
————–
Rehab it is
The same grind again
—————–
Back
In a couple of months
I’m normal again
Or am I
————–
Was I this
A Complacent thing
Restrained and low
A dimwit
—————
Stress strikes again
They observe
The little abnormalities
———
Not less than three
Declare
I’m having an episode
She’s walking too fast
She’s going
Up and down the ramp
The same one
My husband now uses
—————
She’s voicing
Her dissent
—————
This time
My parents stand
By me
In rock solid support
—————-
The rehab is booked
But they refuse
To let me go
The phase is over
And I’m back home
—————
My husband
Gets it at last
He says he would try
His best
Not to stress
————–
My son is funny all the time
As happy a child as can be
A nagging thought
Fills my mind
Why the mood swings
Why the difficulty
In writing
In spelling
Why is it
So tough for him
—————
I turn online
For answers
A word
Dysgraphia
Why him, I cry
I need to search
There’s an answer
It’s CORTISONE
—————-
He’s cooked we were told
I wish I knew
To perfect his lungs
There was a prick
The CORTISONE
—————
Why I cried
Wasn’t I told
The doctors decide
On their own
—————–
Then there’s the day
I lose control
I cannot walk
Unconscious
I’m taken
To the hospital
Detoxified
It’s the Lithium
—————-
The dosage reduced
My memory damaged
But I’m fine
At last I’m free
Don’t know how long
—————–
My feelings now
I think
Are my own
The quiet joy
The peace
Reconciled
With my fate
————-
I may not have
That many friends
My daughters going
Through teen rebel
But life is good
For Today
————-
Drugged
Compliant
Anger at times
Indignant
At injustice
Happy
Sad
Are those swings
Bipolar
or CORTISONE?
—————–
DOES HE EXIST??
——————
Wasn’t it He
That saved me
As a child
When I was lost
That man who led me
Back home
From that fearful place
Was it just a coincidence?
—————–
Wasn’t it He
That gave me the strength
To deal
With the wheezing
Lead me to that doctor
Who gave me relief
Was it just a coincidence?
—————
Wasn’t it HE
That led me
To the wise old priest
Who said
If it is meant to be
It will be
Else it shall pass away
And pass away it did
I was no longer engaged
Was it just a coincidence?
——————
Wasn’t it He
that helped me
To ace my exams
When I was in despair
Was it just coincidence?
—————–
That that page I last saw
Was the question
I had to answer
Was it just a coincidence?
—————–
Wasn’t it HE
That gave me my husband
The one who had sought my hand
Before I was engaged
To another
Was it just a coincidence?
—————-
Wasn’t it HE
That saved me
From the devil
In my room
Alone in the night
Was it just a coincidence?
—————
Wasn’t it He?
That gave me my daughters
That gave us courage
to go to the doctors
When I was certified
Medical fit
Was it just a coincidence?
————–
Wasn’t it HE
That led me to that hospital
To the doctors
That gave me my son
A living miracle
No cleft
No missing limb
No retardation
Was it just a coincidence?
—————-
Wasn’t it HE
Who gave me
My greatest help
My soul sister
My maid
Who mothers my kids
Takes them for her own
When I am gone
Was it just a coincidence?
—————–
Wasn’t it he
That showed me
That billion dollar error
Was it just a coincidence?
—————-
Wasn’t it HE
Who walked with me
My son in my womb
When I felt unsafe
In Seven Hills
The hospital
Took me
To the Holy Spirit
Hospital
To the blessed
Sacrament
Three and a half
Kilometers
I walked that day
Knowing where
I wanted to be
But not knowing
The way
There I go into the chapel
I’m searching for
The hospital
There it is
The blessed sacrament
I kneel I pray
For my unborn child
The sister
Then leads me
Back
To seven hills
Where they gave him
The cortisone
Was that all
Meant to be
Was it just a coincidence?
—————–
Just yesterday
I want to know
The distance
Between seven hills
And Holy Spirt
To add to
My blog
I take the phone
The teacher sends
My daughters location
I open the link
It shows
In bright red
The location
Of
The Holy Spirit
Hospital
Wasi it just a coincidence?
——————
Wasn’t it HE
That led me
To the websites
To the doctors
To the rehab
To the medicines
Not just for me
But my family?
Was it just a coincidence?
——————
Wasn’t it HE
That blessed us
With wealth
With happiness
With peace
Beyond measure
Wasn’t it HE
That gave me
A family full
Of warmth and love?
————
They may not want to ask
They many not want to talk
About the taboo
But they stand by me
Through thick and thin
Was it just a coincidence?
—————–
Was’nt it HE
That guided me
Through the years
Not letting me falter
Hinting at his presence
Through all the coincidences
—————
Wasn’t it HE
Who led us
To Potta
What does it profit a man
If he gains the whole world
But loses his soul ..Mark 8:36
The verse
I taught my kids
The verse
In the opened Bible
The verse
In the talk
All the same
That can’t be coincidence
Gods speaks!
————
They continue to happen
Once in awhile
But we’re at peace
The peace we received
In prayer
———-
It doesn’t matter
Any more….
These coincidences
—————
For now…. I Know
True my kids have their issues
They often wander off the path
Of wisdom and of truth
My son’s handwriting
His spellings
May or not
Get better
My bipolar self
May not go away
The rehab
May beckon again
Ill do my best
To walk his path
To speak up
For what I think is right
———–
If it lands me in trouble
I don’t much care
What people say
They don’t want
To hear me
My family
They let me soar
They help me
To be me
—————
Sometimes
happy
sad
angry
loving
hating
deluded
aggressive
peaceful
placid
jealous
greedy
doubting
and so on,,,,
but that’s all me
————-
I will journey
On His path
Sometimes flounder
Get back on track
With his strength
My human failings
Forgiven
Time and again
————
Old things past
A new beginning
Of Surrender
Of Love
Of Grace
Of hope
———–
Comments

1.
VibrationsJanuary 14, 2020 at 8:19 AM
Wow. This was amazing 🙂
2. Keep writing!
3.
4. Dhruv.
REPLY

5.
UnknownJanuary 19, 2020 at 8:25 AM
You are amazing Lovi. The strength. That is all you. Never under estimate the power of YOU!!! Through all of that you will come out glorious. Love you always
Substances hurt people^ hurt people 