Side effects aside….a bipolar life

January 11, 2020

To Dr. Dhruv

The one who told me


What am I

A wonder of God’s creation

A conscience scrawling out from my mothers’s womb

A creature with a birth date


Am I friendly











What makes me me

A combination of genes

A by-product of my experiences


Or am I just

Another case

Of genetic modification 


A meddling of medical science

Why am I calm and quiet

Is it me

Or the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me


Why am I angry

Is it me

Or the side-effect

Of the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me


A precocious child was I

Full of mirth and joy


Then came the aasthma

Sleepless nights

Tiresome days

We found a medicine

It brought relief

As bitter as can be

No side effects 

It’s Ayurvedic


Headlines on paper

CORTSONE it contains


What did it make me

What did it do

To my mind

I’ll never know


You will not marry

You’re a professional


They’re looking for

A secretary

A teacher

A partner

An equal

Or a subordinate


You can’t be



Teachers are great thought I

They mould the child

Into an angel

Secretaries too

Are more than equal


Your profession

Does not

Define you


My parents persisted

Let her finish said they

Then we will worry

About the knot


Call from an uncle

An ad in the paper

Before I graduate

An marriage offer

A professional too


Temptation calls

Now my parents

Need worry no more

People’s jibes 

Are now finally over


Rings exchanged

We’re engaged



That can’t be fulfilled

Out and over

The relationship broken

We have escaped!


But sadness settles

deep in my heart


My mom is sick

She can’t breathe

A little prick



All is well

And then

Depression sets in


It’s in and out

All her life

Never to go


Letters drop out

From the slit

In our door

Come meet us they say

But there is

My unwilling heart


Finally a job

To join later

When my certificate

Is mine


No more proposals

No more marriage

I will chart

my own path


Cajoling and tears

Try again they say

Everyone’s not the same


Fine say I

I’ll give it a try


A fine young man

A stutter in his throat

A smile on his face

A Twinkle in his eye

Undoubtedly overweight


Something deep inside

Strikes a chord

He knows about

My broken strings

He wants to help me



No engagement we say

No formalities

You’re allowed to go

Say my parents

Find compatibility


We find love


He proposes

I accept

And the story of my life

Is forever sealed


He lifts me up

From the depths of despair

We’re at the altar

a joyous pair


Our wedding

A grand celebration

Of two compatible families

Joined together


Now the surprise

That will destroy my life


A strong word

Too strong

For I’m still alive


We’re up in the mountains

In the cold



I’m out of breath

Furiously wheezing

I’m dying I say

Can’t take it any more


My husband bewildered

Not knowing

To knock on which door


Magic happens

We’re taken

To an old man

A wise old doctor


Just a prick

Your troubles are over


Miracle happens

My wheeze is gone

I’m fine as ever

Medical science obliged


Back to home

I’m not me

I see miracles

Everywhere  I go

All is special

Life beautiful


Back to work

I’m not my past

I’m modified

That little prick

Did the trick


That changed my life


I get no sleep

My thoughts race

The glimpses of heaven

The superior intellect

I rejoice in the power

I wallow in the pain

Seek perfection

Find ugliness

In human hearts


The delusion

The ideas

That can save

The human race


The new generous heart

Willing to share it all


The transformation

Hits all by surprise


Pushed to a wall

I’m no longer me

I’m a maniac

An angry





Was I meant

To be this person


Then trouble comes

Things put together

By one and all


She’s possessed

They say

Get her exorcised


A mysterious man

In the dark corridor

Don’t talk to that girl

Whose room you share

The devil is in her

Oh what do I care


She talks to me

about her life

The discussion wanders

To numerology

A word

I’d never heard

I use Numbers she says

To predict the numbers

Of the future

I think she is

In need of help


Her fingers mangle

Her eyes rotate

I grab my Bible

Not read what it says

Fear awakens

Screams inside

I shut my eyes

And face a new day


There she is

And another

She bounces unnaturally

And the other screams

We are a legion

We are greater

She screams back

Come get me

They are praying


I’m frozen


A look from the priest


I do my best

Not my world is this!


I’m tested again

The priest meets me

And let’s me off

Not told a thing

What’s going on


But I’m palmed off

To a shrink


He stares at me


With an all knowing gaze

And that’s when I get

The lithium


Oh had we known

What was in store

We would have scurried

Down that mountain

And rushed

To our abode


But now I have

The side effects

Of the side effect



Certified bipolar

My body drugged

My brain benumbed

I sleep it off


I’m a changed person


This time

I’m nice




Is that the real me


The Ministry of the Word

Poring over the Bible

Two years of hard work




Whispers at the office

I’m drooling on my desk

But they are kind

I keep my job


People are kind

Their all knowing smile

Not one asks….

What happened

Too touchy a topic

To be touched


But I am lonely

No one to pour

Out my heart

No one to tell

What I’ve been through


Except my mother

But she too


With the discussion


Forget the past she says


But it just can’t

Be wished away


They are all kind

And patronising

Full of sympathy

And understanding


But my friends

Drift  away

My coworkers also

My neighbours too


And my family

They protect

They cushion

But no one wants to

get into the taboo

The loneliness

The depression


The medicines act

I get better

Ask for a transfer


My boss is an angel

My faculties awake

I do what I enjoy

the most

Solve problems


There’s satisfaction

Everyone’s there

But not a friend

Incapable I am

Of conversation


My memory plays tricks

On my mind

I don’t want any


I’m crazy they think

They know

I’m seeing a shrink


Sent out of town

Crisis strikes

In the organisation

As usual

Another miracle

A surreal experience

I stumble upon

A major solution


No one knows

But the guy next door

That I did find

That billion  dollar number

They spent sleeplessness days

Hunting for


The old age home

Happy to be

Of service

The Holy mass

Oh who is there

But the priest I know

In a foreign land


The nun

She looks into my soul

Your husband is elsewhere

You are here

There is none

In your home

A child

Is what you want

That’s your happiness


My eyes glisten

I want a child

Not possible

With the medicine

Side effects….on the fetus


I have a solution

No medicines say I

I’ll ride my mania

In the confines of my home

Brilliant I say

I will beat the system

My husband plays along

Month after month

No sign

Of life


Worry not says the doctor

We create life

No hassles involved

Just a few injections

I fall for the trap

Those little pricks

Don’t hurt at all

The hope in my heart

Burns bright


The day arrives

That positive line

Praise be to God

Life has arrived


The side effects

Of the hormones

I’m a changed person



The racing thoughts

The mighty plans

Gods hand I see

All is divine

The allegations

The imperfections

Of all but me

The need to give

I see the poor

My life’s ambition

To make the world

A better place

A million things

I can do

To make things fine

But is that me


Back to drugs


The fetus gone

No light in my life

My hope is gone

My ambitions too


I sleep all day

To get through


That primordial need

For a child

Refuses to go


I’ve quit my job

I’m calm, I’m placid

I just need documents

To get my child


Get a daughter I’m told

A son won’t do

A daughter would

Make me happy

As much as a son


Up in the morning

To that holy place

Little bundles of joy

In tiny cribs


Some have no hands

Some no feet

But they all


For your touch

They don’t let go

Of your fingers

Clasping them

In their little palms


The special ones

My heart goes out to

 Not for you they say

The foreigners

They take them


You take that bundle


The pediatrician


All is well

Shes certified


Paperwork I’m told

My doctor certifies

I’m mentally fit

To nurture a child

Am I, I wonder

To be a mother


The day arrives

This beautiful face

A big empty smile

A gurgle

Just skin and bones


She slowly grows

Those pretty eyes

Mom’s sleepless nights

To feed that babe

And let me sleep


Before we know it

She’s on her feet

Speaking her language

So innocent and sweet


A companion she needs

I say

To be her joy

To share her lot

Of being adopted


No say the sisters

The queue is long

So many parents…


I reconcile


On my way home

A ring…

I hurry back

My husband is there

Our joy knows no bounds

God has given us…



We are overjoyed

Two girls to love

Our family complete


She’s different

The little one


Drives me crazy

But she’s our joy


Wealth is ours

And Health too

Happiness follows


Fatehpur Sikri

The Dargah

The only man

In a lungi

Tia a knot

A baby boy

In your arms


We balk

We’re complete

Our children are ours

Daughters are better

Than any other


But fate deals

Another hand

That day….

I’m pregnant

It’s been 3 months

I never knew

I’m perfectly fine


Then comes the stress

He won’t be fine

The doctor says

A cleft

A limb

Or worse….

Our hearts are pierced

I fight back

Scour the net

For hope

Limb or cleft

Or worse….

He’s a gift

A God given one

Ours not to choose


We carry on

The hormones rage

The mania

I’m hospitalised

My health destroyed

The care

The warmth

The fear welling

In my heart


They pray

The nameless ones

Sleepless nights

All for my child


The chosen day

Not Gods chosen one

He’s cooked enough

We’ll get him out

We play along

The doctor knows


They cut me up

I feel no pain

No anxiety

The prick

Has taken care of that


He’s out

He’s lifted up

For me to see

A vision in pink

His body complete

A miracle…


All is fine

And joyous again


My mother in law

Shares her secret

She prayed to the nuns

Years ago

Never to go back

Till we had a boy


I hate her

For all the suffering

I love her more

For giving me

My child


I close my womb

No more suffering

For my family

I decide


Hindsight tells me

I should have trusted

The Creator

He knows best

I know

I’m forgiven


Then the cough

And the wheeze

This little boy

I insist



It’s just a millionth

Of what you got

It won’t harm him


Sleepless nights

Soothing my child

CORTISONE I will avoid


My doctor’s gone

Back to the old

That medicine you’re taking

You don’t require

We meekly submit

To medical advice


Mania overtakes

My kids suffer

My husband pleads

I swallow


It’s not suicide

I tell him the dosage

But he’s paranoid

The hospitals won’t take me

We turn to the government


I see the apathy

And run away

To my workplace


I’m deluded

Trying to meet

The one I think

Can bring change


I’m in rehab




Tied up

My days float away

Missing my little ones

Every single day


No one wants me

The patients….

I talk too much

They say


It’s difficult to deal

With a bipolar

I’m resigned to my fate


Meditate they say

But I can’t

Still my mind

Never could



I can’t stand

That’s the part of my self

I recognise

To be my own


Finally home

My 3 kids

There to hug

My 3 good friends too

My world is back

But what am I?







My self esteem

Down in the pits


Eyes everywhere

All knowing

No single question

Of where I’ve been

Not from family

Not from friends

Not from neighbors

Not from anyone


All are warm

All our friendly

But no one wants

To intrude

To know the mystery


How are you keeping

That’s all they ask

A question?

Or decency?


Hushed voices

In the backround

She’s not well

Sleep it out


You’ll be fine


What’s fine


I’m alive

A forced smile

I try to find happiness

In my lovely family

But something deep

Is still empty


I’m practically useless

I’m languishing

In mediocrity

I’m a housewife

Kids in school

Everything is done

Like clockwork


I pretend

To be content

What am I now

A farce


Stress strikes again

I’m being abnormal

I want to donate

To the church

A small amount it may be

Its a sign

Of generosity

Of bipolarity


I fight

I reach out

To the family

A call for help


She’s going up again

They surmise

I’m turning aggressive

Like a dog

Pushed into a corner


They panic

Rehab they say

Not knowing

What that entails


My parents shelter

But they can’t take it

Any longer


Rehab it is

The same grind again



In a couple of months

I’m normal again

Or am I


Was I this

A Complacent thing

Restrained and low

A dimwit


Stress strikes again

They observe

The little abnormalities


Not less than three


I’m having an episode

She’s walking too fast

She’s going

Up and down the ramp

The same one

My husband now uses


She’s voicing

Her dissent


This time

My parents stand

By me

In rock solid support


The rehab is booked

But they refuse

To let me go

The phase is over

And I’m back home


My husband

Gets it at last

He says he would try

His best

Not to stress


My son is funny all the time

As happy a child as can be

A nagging thought

Fills my mind

Why the mood swings

Why the difficulty

In writing

In spelling

Why is it

So tough for him


I turn online

For answers

A word


Why him, I cry

I need to search

There’s an answer



He’s cooked we were told

I wish I knew

To perfect his lungs

There was a prick



Why I cried

Wasn’t I told

The doctors decide

On their own


Then there’s the day

I lose control

I cannot walk


I’m taken

To the hospital


It’s the Lithium


The dosage reduced

My memory damaged

But I’m fine

At last I’m free

Don’t know how long


My feelings now

I think

Are my own

The quiet joy

The peace


With my fate


I may not have

That many friends

My daughters going

Through teen rebel

But life is good

For Today




Anger at times


At injustice



Are those swings






Wasn’t it He

That saved me

As a child

When I was lost

That man who led me

Back home

From that fearful place

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it He

That gave me the strength

To deal

With the wheezing

Lead me to that doctor

Who gave me relief

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the wise old priest

Who said

If it is meant to be

It will be

Else it shall pass away

And pass away it did

I was no longer engaged

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it He

that helped me

To ace my exams

When I was in despair

Was it just coincidence?


That that page I last saw

Was the question

I had to answer

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That gave me my husband

The one who had sought my hand

Before I was engaged

To another

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That saved me

From the devil

In my room

Alone in the night

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it He?

That gave me my daughters

That gave us courage

to go to the doctors

When I was certified

Medical fit

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That led me to that hospital

To the doctors

That gave me my son

A living miracle

No cleft

No missing limb

No retardation

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

Who gave me

My greatest help

My soul sister

My maid

Who mothers my kids

Takes them for her own

When I am gone

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it he

That showed me

That billion dollar error

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

Who walked with me

My son in my womb

When I felt unsafe

In Seven Hills

The hospital

Took me

To the Holy Spirit


To the blessed


Three and a half


I walked that day

Knowing where

I wanted to be

But not knowing

The way

There I go into the chapel

I’m searching for

The hospital

There it is

The blessed sacrament

I kneel I pray

For my unborn child

The sister

Then leads me


To seven hills

Where they gave him

The cortisone

Was that all

Meant to be

Was it just a coincidence?


Just yesterday

I want to know

The distance

Between seven hills

And Holy Spirt

To add to

My blog

I take the phone

The teacher sends

My daughters location

I open the link

It shows

In bright red

The location


The Holy Spirit


Wasi it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the websites

To the doctors

To the rehab

To the medicines

Not just for me

But my family?

Was it just a coincidence?


Wasn’t it HE

That blessed us

With wealth

With happiness

With peace

Beyond measure

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me

A family full

Of warmth and love?


They may not want to ask

They many not want to talk

About the taboo

But they stand by me

Through thick and thin

Was it just a coincidence?


Was’nt  it HE

That guided me

Through the years

Not letting me falter

Hinting at his presence

Through all the coincidences


Wasn’t it HE

Who led us

To Potta

What does it profit a man

If he gains the whole world

But loses his soul ..Mark 8:36

The verse

I taught my kids

The  verse

In the opened Bible

The verse

In the talk

All the same

That can’t be coincidence

Gods speaks!


They continue to happen

Once in awhile

But we’re at peace

The peace we received

In prayer


It doesn’t matter

Any more….

These coincidences


For now…. I Know

True my kids have their issues

They often wander off the path

Of wisdom and of truth

My son’s handwriting

His spellings

May or not

Get better

My bipolar self

May not go away

The rehab

May beckon again

Ill do my best

To walk his path

To speak up

For what I think is right


If it lands me in trouble

I don’t much care

What people say

They don’t want

To hear me

My family

They let me soar

They help me

To be me















and so on,,,,

but that’s all me


I will journey

On His path

Sometimes flounder

Get back on track

With his strength

My human failings


Time and again


Old things past

A new beginning

Of Surrender

Of Love

Of Grace

Of hope



VibrationsJanuary 14, 2020 at 8:19 AM
Wow. This was amazing 🙂

2. Keep writing!


4. Dhruv.

UnknownJanuary 19, 2020 at 8:25 AM
You are amazing Lovi. The strength. That is all you. Never under estimate the power of YOU!!! Through all of that you will come out glorious. Love you always

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