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My bipolar life and Aasthma Uncategorized

Side effects aside….a bipolar life

January 11, 2020

To Dr. Dhruv

The one who told me

————–

What am I

A wonder of God’s creation

A conscience scrawling out from my mothers’s womb

A creature with a birth date

—————–

Am I friendly

Peaceful

Angry

Irritable

Generous

Manipulative

Jealous

Cruel

Forgiving

Cool

———-

What makes me me

A combination of genes

A by-product of my experiences

——————-

Or am I just

Another case

Of genetic modification 

—————-

A meddling of medical science

Why am I calm and quiet

Is it me

Or the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me

—————-

Why am I angry

Is it me

Or the side-effect

Of the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me

——————-

A precocious child was I

Full of mirth and joy

—————-

Then came the aasthma

Sleepless nights

Tiresome days

We found a medicine

It brought relief

As bitter as can be

No side effects 

It’s Ayurvedic

———-

Headlines on paper

CORTSONE it contains

—————-

What did it make me

What did it do

To my mind

I’ll never know

——————

You will not marry

You’re a professional

———

They’re looking for

A secretary

A teacher

A partner

An equal

Or a subordinate

——-

You can’t be

Superior

——–

Teachers are great thought I

They mould the child

Into an angel

Secretaries too

Are more than equal

———–

Your profession

Does not

Define you

——————

My parents persisted

Let her finish said they

Then we will worry

About the knot

—————-

Call from an uncle

An ad in the paper

Before I graduate

An marriage offer

A professional too

———-

Temptation calls

Now my parents

Need worry no more

People’s jibes 

Are now finally over

—————–

Rings exchanged

We’re engaged

—————

Demands….

That can’t be fulfilled

Out and over

The relationship broken

We have escaped!

—————

But sadness settles

deep in my heart

—————

My mom is sick

She can’t breathe

A little prick

CORTISONE

—————–

All is well

And then

Depression sets in

————–

It’s in and out

All her life

Never to go

——————

Letters drop out

From the slit

In our door

Come meet us they say

But there is

My unwilling heart

—————–

Finally a job

To join later

When my certificate

Is mine

—————

No more proposals

No more marriage

I will chart

my own path

—————

Cajoling and tears

Try again they say

Everyone’s not the same

—————

Fine say I

I’ll give it a try

—————-

A fine young man

A stutter in his throat

A smile on his face

A Twinkle in his eye

Undoubtedly overweight

——————

Something deep inside

Strikes a chord

He knows about

My broken strings

He wants to help me

Heal

——————-

No engagement we say

No formalities

You’re allowed to go

Say my parents

Find compatibility

————–

We find love

—————

He proposes

I accept

And the story of my life

Is forever sealed

—————

He lifts me up

From the depths of despair

We’re at the altar

a joyous pair

————-

Our wedding

A grand celebration

Of two compatible families

Joined together

————-

Now the surprise

That will destroy my life

———-

A strong word

Too strong

For I’m still alive

————–

We’re up in the mountains

In the cold

Freezing

————-

I’m out of breath

Furiously wheezing

I’m dying I say

Can’t take it any more

—————

My husband bewildered

Not knowing

To knock on which door

————-

Magic happens

We’re taken

To an old man

A wise old doctor

————–

Just a prick

Your troubles are over

—————-

Miracle happens

My wheeze is gone

I’m fine as ever

Medical science obliged

—————-

Back to home

I’m not me

I see miracles

Everywhere  I go

All is special

Life beautiful

—————-

Back to work

I’m not my past

I’m modified

That little prick

Did the trick

CORTISONE it was

That changed my life

—————

I get no sleep

My thoughts race

The glimpses of heaven

The superior intellect

I rejoice in the power

I wallow in the pain

Seek perfection

Find ugliness

In human hearts

————–

The delusion

The ideas

That can save

The human race

—————

The new generous heart

Willing to share it all

————-

The transformation

Hits all by surprise

—————

Pushed to a wall

I’m no longer me

I’m a maniac

An angry

Aggressive

Deluded

Animal

—————-

Was I meant

To be this person

—————–

Then trouble comes

Things put together

By one and all

————

She’s possessed

They say

Get her exorcised

—————

A mysterious man

In the dark corridor

Don’t talk to that girl

Whose room you share

The devil is in her

Oh what do I care

—————-

She talks to me

about her life

The discussion wanders

To numerology

A word

I’d never heard

I use Numbers she says

To predict the numbers

Of the future

I think she is

In need of help

—————-

Her fingers mangle

Her eyes rotate

I grab my Bible

Not read what it says

Fear awakens

Screams inside

I shut my eyes

And face a new day

—————

There she is

And another

She bounces unnaturally

And the other screams

We are a legion

We are greater

She screams back

Come get me

They are praying

—————-

I’m frozen

Mesmerised

A look from the priest

Pray!

I do my best

Not my world is this!

—————

I’m tested again

The priest meets me

And let’s me off

Not told a thing

What’s going on

—————

But I’m palmed off

To a shrink

—————-

He stares at me

Intently

With an all knowing gaze

And that’s when I get

The lithium

————-

Oh had we known

What was in store

We would have scurried

Down that mountain

And rushed

To our abode

————-

But now I have

The side effects

Of the side effect

Of CORTISONE

—————

Certified bipolar

My body drugged

My brain benumbed

I sleep it off

—————–

I’m a changed person

—————–

This time

I’m nice

Pleasant

Quiet

Dumb

Is that the real me

—————

The Ministry of the Word

Poring over the Bible

Two years of hard work

Enlightenment

Bliss

—————–

Whispers at the office

I’m drooling on my desk

But they are kind

I keep my job

——————

People are kind

Their all knowing smile

Not one asks….

What happened

Too touchy a topic

To be touched

—————-

But I am lonely

No one to pour

Out my heart

No one to tell

What I’ve been through

—————

Except my mother

But she too

Uncomfortable

With the discussion

—————-

Forget the past she says

—————-

But it just can’t

Be wished away

—————–

They are all kind

And patronising

Full of sympathy

And understanding

—————

But my friends

Drift  away

My coworkers also

My neighbours too

—————-

And my family

They protect

They cushion

But no one wants to

get into the taboo

The loneliness

The depression

—————

The medicines act

I get better

Ask for a transfer

———

My boss is an angel

My faculties awake

I do what I enjoy

the most

Solve problems

————-

There’s satisfaction

Everyone’s there

But not a friend

Incapable I am

Of conversation

—————

My memory plays tricks

On my mind

I don’t want any

Interaction

I’m crazy they think

They know

I’m seeing a shrink

—————

Sent out of town

Crisis strikes

In the organisation

As usual

Another miracle

A surreal experience

I stumble upon

A major solution

———–

No one knows

But the guy next door

That I did find

That billion  dollar number

They spent sleeplessness days

Hunting for

—————-

The old age home

Happy to be

Of service

The Holy mass

Oh who is there

But the priest I know

In a foreign land

—————–

The nun

She looks into my soul

Your husband is elsewhere

You are here

There is none

In your home

A child

Is what you want

That’s your happiness

—————-

My eyes glisten

I want a child

Not possible

With the medicine

Side effects….on the fetus

—————-

I have a solution

No medicines say I

I’ll ride my mania

In the confines of my home

Brilliant I say

I will beat the system

My husband plays along

Month after month

No sign

Of life

————–

Worry not says the doctor

We create life

No hassles involved

Just a few injections

I fall for the trap

Those little pricks

Don’t hurt at all

The hope in my heart

Burns bright

—————

The day arrives

That positive line

Praise be to God

Life has arrived

—————-

The side effects

Of the hormones

I’m a changed person

Again

—————-

The racing thoughts

The mighty plans

Gods hand I see

All is divine

The allegations

The imperfections

Of all but me

The need to give

I see the poor

My life’s ambition

To make the world

A better place

A million things

I can do

To make things fine

But is that me

——————

Back to drugs

Hospitalised

The fetus gone

No light in my life

My hope is gone

My ambitions too

————–

I sleep all day

To get through

——-

That primordial need

For a child

Refuses to go

—————

I’ve quit my job

I’m calm, I’m placid

I just need documents

To get my child

—————-

Get a daughter I’m told

A son won’t do

A daughter would

Make me happy

As much as a son

————–

Up in the morning

To that holy place

Little bundles of joy

In tiny cribs

———

Some have no hands

Some no feet

But they all

Clamour

For your touch

They don’t let go

Of your fingers

Clasping them

In their little palms

—————-

The special ones

My heart goes out to

 Not for you they say

The foreigners

They take them

————–

You take that bundle

————

The pediatrician

Examines

All is well

Shes certified

—————-

Paperwork I’m told

My doctor certifies

I’m mentally fit

To nurture a child

Am I, I wonder

To be a mother

————-

The day arrives

This beautiful face

A big empty smile

A gurgle

Just skin and bones

————–

She slowly grows

Those pretty eyes

Mom’s sleepless nights

To feed that babe

And let me sleep

—————-

Before we know it

She’s on her feet

Speaking her language

So innocent and sweet

———-

A companion she needs

I say

To be her joy

To share her lot

Of being adopted

————–

No say the sisters

The queue is long

So many parents…

Waiting….

I reconcile

—————-

On my way home

A ring…

I hurry back

My husband is there

Our joy knows no bounds

God has given us…

another…..

—————

We are overjoyed

Two girls to love

Our family complete

—————

She’s different

The little one

Unsatisfied

Drives me crazy

But she’s our joy

—————

Wealth is ours

And Health too

Happiness follows

————–

Fatehpur Sikri

The Dargah

The only man

In a lungi

Tia a knot

A baby boy

In your arms

————

We balk

We’re complete

Our children are ours

Daughters are better

Than any other

————–

But fate deals

Another hand

That day….

I’m pregnant

It’s been 3 months

I never knew

I’m perfectly fine

—————

Then comes the stress

He won’t be fine

The doctor says

A cleft

A limb

Or worse….

Our hearts are pierced

I fight back

Scour the net

For hope

Limb or cleft

Or worse….

He’s a gift

A God given one

Ours not to choose

—————–

We carry on

The hormones rage

The mania

I’m hospitalised

My health destroyed

The care

The warmth

The fear welling

In my heart

————-

They pray

The nameless ones

Sleepless nights

All for my child

————-

The chosen day

Not Gods chosen one

He’s cooked enough

We’ll get him out

We play along

The doctor knows

————-

They cut me up

I feel no pain

No anxiety

The prick

Has taken care of that

————-

He’s out

He’s lifted up

For me to see

A vision in pink

His body complete

A miracle…

————-

All is fine

And joyous again

—————

My mother in law

Shares her secret

She prayed to the nuns

Years ago

Never to go back

Till we had a boy

————-

I hate her

For all the suffering

I love her more

For giving me

My child

———-

I close my womb

No more suffering

For my family

I decide

————-

Hindsight tells me

I should have trusted

The Creator

He knows best

I know

I’m forgiven

————

Then the cough

And the wheeze

This little boy

I insist

No CORTISONE

—————

It’s just a millionth

Of what you got

It won’t harm him

—————

Sleepless nights

Soothing my child

CORTISONE I will avoid

————-

My doctor’s gone

Back to the old

That medicine you’re taking

You don’t require

We meekly submit

To medical advice

—————

Mania overtakes

My kids suffer

My husband pleads

I swallow

————

It’s not suicide

I tell him the dosage

But he’s paranoid

The hospitals won’t take me

We turn to the government

—————

I see the apathy

And run away

To my workplace

—————

I’m deluded

Trying to meet

The one I think

Can bring change

————–

I’m in rehab

Drugged

Sleepy

Lonely

Tied up

My days float away

Missing my little ones

Every single day

—————-

No one wants me

The patients….

I talk too much

They say

True

It’s difficult to deal

With a bipolar

I’m resigned to my fate

————-

Meditate they say

But I can’t

Still my mind

Never could

————–

Injustice

I can’t stand

That’s the part of my self

I recognise

To be my own

————–

Finally home

My 3 kids

There to hug

My 3 good friends too

My world is back

But what am I?

—————

Dull

Boring

Anxious

Shy

Lonely

My self esteem

Down in the pits

————-

Eyes everywhere

All knowing

No single question

Of where I’ve been

Not from family

Not from friends

Not from neighbors

Not from anyone

————–

All are warm

All our friendly

But no one wants

To intrude

To know the mystery

————–

How are you keeping

That’s all they ask

A question?

Or decency?

—————

Hushed voices

In the backround

She’s not well

Sleep it out

Rest

You’ll be fine

Fine

What’s fine

————–

I’m alive

A forced smile

I try to find happiness

In my lovely family

But something deep

Is still empty

————–

I’m practically useless

I’m languishing

In mediocrity

I’m a housewife

Kids in school

Everything is done

Like clockwork

—————

I pretend

To be content

What am I now

A farce

—————

Stress strikes again

I’m being abnormal

I want to donate

To the church

A small amount it may be

Its a sign

Of generosity

Of bipolarity

—————-

I fight

I reach out

To the family

A call for help

——

She’s going up again

They surmise

I’m turning aggressive

Like a dog

Pushed into a corner

———-

They panic

Rehab they say

Not knowing

What that entails

————-

My parents shelter

But they can’t take it

Any longer

————–

Rehab it is

The same grind again

—————–

Back

In a couple of months

I’m normal again

Or am I

————–

Was I this

A Complacent thing

Restrained and low

A dimwit

—————

Stress strikes again

They observe

The little abnormalities

———

Not less than three

Declare

I’m having an episode

She’s walking too fast

She’s going

Up and down the ramp

The same one

My husband now uses

—————

She’s voicing

Her dissent

—————

This time

My parents stand

By me

In rock solid support

—————-

The rehab is booked

But they refuse

To let me go

The phase is over

And I’m back home

—————

My husband

Gets it at last

He says he would try

His best

Not to stress

————–

My son is funny all the time

As happy a child as can be

A nagging thought

Fills my mind

Why the mood swings

Why the difficulty

In writing

In spelling

Why is it

So tough for him

—————

I turn online

For answers

A word

Dysgraphia

Why him, I cry

I need to search

There’s an answer

It’s CORTISONE

—————-

He’s cooked we were told

I wish I knew

To perfect his lungs

There was a prick

The CORTISONE

—————

Why I cried

Wasn’t I told

The doctors decide

On their own

—————–

Then there’s the day

I lose control

I cannot walk

Unconscious

I’m taken

To the hospital

Detoxified

It’s the Lithium

—————-

The dosage reduced

My memory damaged

But I’m fine

At last I’m free

Don’t know how long

—————–

My feelings now

I think

Are my own

The quiet joy

The peace

Reconciled

With my fate

————-

I may not have

That many friends

My daughters going

Through teen rebel

But life is good

For Today

————-

Drugged

Compliant

Anger at times

Indignant

At injustice

Happy

Sad

Are those swings

Bipolar

or CORTISONE?

—————–

DOES HE EXIST??

——————

Wasn’t it He

That saved me

As a child

When I was lost

That man who led me

Back home

From that fearful place

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it He

That gave me the strength

To deal

With the wheezing

Lead me to that doctor

Who gave me relief

Was it just a coincidence?

—————

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the wise old priest

Who said

If it is meant to be

It will be

Else it shall pass away

And pass away it did

I was no longer engaged

Was it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it He

that helped me

To ace my exams

When I was in despair

Was it just coincidence?

—————–

That that page I last saw

Was the question

I had to answer

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me my husband

The one who had sought my hand

Before I was engaged

To another

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

That saved me

From the devil

In my room

Alone in the night

Was it just a coincidence?

—————

Wasn’t it He?

That gave me my daughters

That gave us courage

to go to the doctors

When I was certified

Medical fit

Was it just a coincidence?

————–

Wasn’t it HE

That led me to that hospital

To the doctors

That gave me my son

A living miracle

No cleft

No missing limb

No retardation

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

Who gave me

My greatest help

My soul sister

My maid

Who mothers my kids

Takes them for her own

When I am gone

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it he

That showed me

That billion dollar error

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

Who walked with me

My son in my womb

When I felt unsafe

In Seven Hills

The hospital

Took me

To the Holy Spirit

Hospital

To the blessed

Sacrament

Three and a half

Kilometers

I walked that day

Knowing where

I wanted to be

But not knowing

The way

There I go into the chapel

I’m searching for

The hospital

There it is

The blessed sacrament

I kneel I pray

For my unborn child

The sister

Then leads me

Back

To seven hills

Where they gave him

The cortisone

Was that all

Meant to be

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Just yesterday

I want to know

The distance

Between seven hills

And Holy Spirt

To add to

My blog

I take the phone

The teacher sends

My daughters location

I open the link

It shows

In bright red

The location

Of

The Holy Spirit

Hospital

Wasi it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the websites

To the doctors

To the rehab

To the medicines

Not just for me

But my family?

Was it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it HE

That blessed us

With wealth

With happiness

With peace

Beyond measure

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me

A family full

Of warmth and love?

————

They may not want to ask

They many not want to talk

About the taboo

But they stand by me

Through thick and thin

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Was’nt  it HE

That guided me

Through the years

Not letting me falter

Hinting at his presence

Through all the coincidences

—————

Wasn’t it HE

Who led us

To Potta

What does it profit a man

If he gains the whole world

But loses his soul ..Mark 8:36

The verse

I taught my kids

The  verse

In the opened Bible

The verse

In the talk

All the same

That can’t be coincidence

Gods speaks!

————

They continue to happen

Once in awhile

But we’re at peace

The peace we received

In prayer

———-

It doesn’t matter

Any more….

These coincidences

—————

For now…. I Know

True my kids have their issues

They often wander off the path

Of wisdom and of truth

My son’s handwriting

His spellings

May or not

Get better

My bipolar self

May not go away

The rehab

May beckon again

Ill do my best

To walk his path

To speak up

For what I think is right

———–

If it lands me in trouble

I don’t much care

What people say

They don’t want

To hear me

My family

They let me soar

They help me

To be me

—————

Sometimes

happy

sad

angry

loving

hating

deluded

aggressive

peaceful

placid

jealous

greedy

doubting

and so on,,,,

but that’s all me

————-

I will journey

On His path

Sometimes flounder

Get back on track

With his strength

My human failings

Forgiven

Time and again

————

Old things past

A new beginning

Of Surrender

Of Love

Of Grace

Of hope

———–

Comments

1.
VibrationsJanuary 14, 2020 at 8:19 AM
Wow. This was amazing 🙂

2. Keep writing!

3.

4. Dhruv.
REPLY

5.
UnknownJanuary 19, 2020 at 8:25 AM
You are amazing Lovi. The strength. That is all you. Never under estimate the power of YOU!!! Through all of that you will come out glorious. Love you always

By Jyothsna DSouza

I’m at home
With my children
With plenty of time
To read, teach, and muse

I believe if you have
The capacity
To do good
And others
They confirm
It is good
If it’s important
For many,
Not one
One must persist
To the end,
Till all one’s
Resources
Are exhausted

Man lives on hope

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