Categories
My bipolar life and Aasthma Uncategorized

Side effects aside….a bipolar life

January 11, 2020

To Dr. Dhruv

The one who told me

————–

What am I

A wonder of God’s creation

A conscience scrawling out from my mothers’s womb

A creature with a birth date

—————–

Am I friendly

Peaceful

Angry

Irritable

Generous

Manipulative

Jealous

Cruel

Forgiving

Cool

———-

What makes me me

A combination of genes

A by-product of my experiences

——————-

Or am I just

Another case

Of genetic modification 

—————-

A meddling of medical science

Why am I calm and quiet

Is it me

Or the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me

—————-

Why am I angry

Is it me

Or the side-effect

Of the drugs in my body

The ones

That the doctors give me

——————-

A precocious child was I

Full of mirth and joy

—————-

Then came the aasthma

Sleepless nights

Tiresome days

We found a medicine

It brought relief

As bitter as can be

No side effects 

It’s Ayurvedic

———-

Headlines on paper

CORTSONE it contains

—————-

What did it make me

What did it do

To my mind

I’ll never know

——————

You will not marry

You’re a professional

———

They’re looking for

A secretary

A teacher

A partner

An equal

Or a subordinate

——-

You can’t be

Superior

——–

Teachers are great thought I

They mould the child

Into an angel

Secretaries too

Are more than equal

———–

Your profession

Does not

Define you

——————

My parents persisted

Let her finish said they

Then we will worry

About the knot

—————-

Call from an uncle

An ad in the paper

Before I graduate

An marriage offer

A professional too

———-

Temptation calls

Now my parents

Need worry no more

People’s jibes 

Are now finally over

—————–

Rings exchanged

We’re engaged

—————

Demands….

That can’t be fulfilled

Out and over

The relationship broken

We have escaped!

—————

But sadness settles

deep in my heart

—————

My mom is sick

She can’t breathe

A little prick

CORTISONE

—————–

All is well

And then

Depression sets in

————–

It’s in and out

All her life

Never to go

——————

Letters drop out

From the slit

In our door

Come meet us they say

But there is

My unwilling heart

—————–

Finally a job

To join later

When my certificate

Is mine

—————

No more proposals

No more marriage

I will chart

my own path

—————

Cajoling and tears

Try again they say

Everyone’s not the same

—————

Fine say I

I’ll give it a try

—————-

A fine young man

A stutter in his throat

A smile on his face

A Twinkle in his eye

Undoubtedly overweight

——————

Something deep inside

Strikes a chord

He knows about

My broken strings

He wants to help me

Heal

——————-

No engagement we say

No formalities

You’re allowed to go

Say my parents

Find compatibility

————–

We find love

—————

He proposes

I accept

And the story of my life

Is forever sealed

—————

He lifts me up

From the depths of despair

We’re at the altar

a joyous pair

————-

Our wedding

A grand celebration

Of two compatible families

Joined together

————-

Now the surprise

That will destroy my life

———-

A strong word

Too strong

For I’m still alive

————–

We’re up in the mountains

In the cold

Freezing

————-

I’m out of breath

Furiously wheezing

I’m dying I say

Can’t take it any more

—————

My husband bewildered

Not knowing

To knock on which door

————-

Magic happens

We’re taken

To an old man

A wise old doctor

————–

Just a prick

Your troubles are over

—————-

Miracle happens

My wheeze is gone

I’m fine as ever

Medical science obliged

—————-

Back to home

I’m not me

I see miracles

Everywhere  I go

All is special

Life beautiful

—————-

Back to work

I’m not my past

I’m modified

That little prick

Did the trick

CORTISONE it was

That changed my life

—————

I get no sleep

My thoughts race

The glimpses of heaven

The superior intellect

I rejoice in the power

I wallow in the pain

Seek perfection

Find ugliness

In human hearts

————–

The delusion

The ideas

That can save

The human race

—————

The new generous heart

Willing to share it all

————-

The transformation

Hits all by surprise

—————

Pushed to a wall

I’m no longer me

I’m a maniac

An angry

Aggressive

Deluded

Animal

—————-

Was I meant

To be this person

—————–

Then trouble comes

Things put together

By one and all

————

She’s possessed

They say

Get her exorcised

—————

A mysterious man

In the dark corridor

Don’t talk to that girl

Whose room you share

The devil is in her

Oh what do I care

—————-

She talks to me

about her life

The discussion wanders

To numerology

A word

I’d never heard

I use Numbers she says

To predict the numbers

Of the future

I think she is

In need of help

—————-

Her fingers mangle

Her eyes rotate

I grab my Bible

Not read what it says

Fear awakens

Screams inside

I shut my eyes

And face a new day

—————

There she is

And another

She bounces unnaturally

And the other screams

We are a legion

We are greater

She screams back

Come get me

They are praying

—————-

I’m frozen

Mesmerised

A look from the priest

Pray!

I do my best

Not my world is this!

—————

I’m tested again

The priest meets me

And let’s me off

Not told a thing

What’s going on

—————

But I’m palmed off

To a shrink

—————-

He stares at me

Intently

With an all knowing gaze

And that’s when I get

The lithium

————-

Oh had we known

What was in store

We would have scurried

Down that mountain

And rushed

To our abode

————-

But now I have

The side effects

Of the side effect

Of CORTISONE

—————

Certified bipolar

My body drugged

My brain benumbed

I sleep it off

—————–

I’m a changed person

—————–

This time

I’m nice

Pleasant

Quiet

Dumb

Is that the real me

—————

The Ministry of the Word

Poring over the Bible

Two years of hard work

Enlightenment

Bliss

—————–

Whispers at the office

I’m drooling on my desk

But they are kind

I keep my job

——————

People are kind

Their all knowing smile

Not one asks….

What happened

Too touchy a topic

To be touched

—————-

But I am lonely

No one to pour

Out my heart

No one to tell

What I’ve been through

—————

Except my mother

But she too

Uncomfortable

With the discussion

—————-

Forget the past she says

—————-

But it just can’t

Be wished away

—————–

They are all kind

And patronising

Full of sympathy

And understanding

—————

But my friends

Drift  away

My coworkers also

My neighbours too

—————-

And my family

They protect

They cushion

But no one wants to

get into the taboo

The loneliness

The depression

—————

The medicines act

I get better

Ask for a transfer

———

My boss is an angel

My faculties awake

I do what I enjoy

the most

Solve problems

————-

There’s satisfaction

Everyone’s there

But not a friend

Incapable I am

Of conversation

—————

My memory plays tricks

On my mind

I don’t want any

Interaction

I’m crazy they think

They know

I’m seeing a shrink

—————

Sent out of town

Crisis strikes

In the organisation

As usual

Another miracle

A surreal experience

I stumble upon

A major solution

———–

No one knows

But the guy next door

That I did find

That billion  dollar number

They spent sleeplessness days

Hunting for

—————-

The old age home

Happy to be

Of service

The Holy mass

Oh who is there

But the priest I know

In a foreign land

—————–

The nun

She looks into my soul

Your husband is elsewhere

You are here

There is none

In your home

A child

Is what you want

That’s your happiness

—————-

My eyes glisten

I want a child

Not possible

With the medicine

Side effects….on the fetus

—————-

I have a solution

No medicines say I

I’ll ride my mania

In the confines of my home

Brilliant I say

I will beat the system

My husband plays along

Month after month

No sign

Of life

————–

Worry not says the doctor

We create life

No hassles involved

Just a few injections

I fall for the trap

Those little pricks

Don’t hurt at all

The hope in my heart

Burns bright

—————

The day arrives

That positive line

Praise be to God

Life has arrived

—————-

The side effects

Of the hormones

I’m a changed person

Again

—————-

The racing thoughts

The mighty plans

Gods hand I see

All is divine

The allegations

The imperfections

Of all but me

The need to give

I see the poor

My life’s ambition

To make the world

A better place

A million things

I can do

To make things fine

But is that me

——————

Back to drugs

Hospitalised

The fetus gone

No light in my life

My hope is gone

My ambitions too

————–

I sleep all day

To get through

——-

That primordial need

For a child

Refuses to go

—————

I’ve quit my job

I’m calm, I’m placid

I just need documents

To get my child

—————-

Get a daughter I’m told

A son won’t do

A daughter would

Make me happy

As much as a son

————–

Up in the morning

To that holy place

Little bundles of joy

In tiny cribs

———

Some have no hands

Some no feet

But they all

Clamour

For your touch

They don’t let go

Of your fingers

Clasping them

In their little palms

—————-

The special ones

My heart goes out to

 Not for you they say

The foreigners

They take them

————–

You take that bundle

————

The pediatrician

Examines

All is well

Shes certified

—————-

Paperwork I’m told

My doctor certifies

I’m mentally fit

To nurture a child

Am I, I wonder

To be a mother

————-

The day arrives

This beautiful face

A big empty smile

A gurgle

Just skin and bones

————–

She slowly grows

Those pretty eyes

Mom’s sleepless nights

To feed that babe

And let me sleep

—————-

Before we know it

She’s on her feet

Speaking her language

So innocent and sweet

———-

A companion she needs

I say

To be her joy

To share her lot

Of being adopted

————–

No say the sisters

The queue is long

So many parents…

Waiting….

I reconcile

—————-

On my way home

A ring…

I hurry back

My husband is there

Our joy knows no bounds

God has given us…

another…..

—————

We are overjoyed

Two girls to love

Our family complete

—————

She’s different

The little one

Unsatisfied

Drives me crazy

But she’s our joy

—————

Wealth is ours

And Health too

Happiness follows

————–

Fatehpur Sikri

The Dargah

The only man

In a lungi

Tia a knot

A baby boy

In your arms

————

We balk

We’re complete

Our children are ours

Daughters are better

Than any other

————–

But fate deals

Another hand

That day….

I’m pregnant

It’s been 3 months

I never knew

I’m perfectly fine

—————

Then comes the stress

He won’t be fine

The doctor says

A cleft

A limb

Or worse….

Our hearts are pierced

I fight back

Scour the net

For hope

Limb or cleft

Or worse….

He’s a gift

A God given one

Ours not to choose

—————–

We carry on

The hormones rage

The mania

I’m hospitalised

My health destroyed

The care

The warmth

The fear welling

In my heart

————-

They pray

The nameless ones

Sleepless nights

All for my child

————-

The chosen day

Not Gods chosen one

He’s cooked enough

We’ll get him out

We play along

The doctor knows

————-

They cut me up

I feel no pain

No anxiety

The prick

Has taken care of that

————-

He’s out

He’s lifted up

For me to see

A vision in pink

His body complete

A miracle…

————-

All is fine

And joyous again

—————

My mother in law

Shares her secret

She prayed to the nuns

Years ago

Never to go back

Till we had a boy

————-

I hate her

For all the suffering

I love her more

For giving me

My child

———-

I close my womb

No more suffering

For my family

I decide

————-

Hindsight tells me

I should have trusted

The Creator

He knows best

I know

I’m forgiven

————

Then the cough

And the wheeze

This little boy

I insist

No CORTISONE

—————

It’s just a millionth

Of what you got

It won’t harm him

—————

Sleepless nights

Soothing my child

CORTISONE I will avoid

————-

My doctor’s gone

Back to the old

That medicine you’re taking

You don’t require

We meekly submit

To medical advice

—————

Mania overtakes

My kids suffer

My husband pleads

I swallow

————

It’s not suicide

I tell him the dosage

But he’s paranoid

The hospitals won’t take me

We turn to the government

—————

I see the apathy

And run away

To my workplace

—————

I’m deluded

Trying to meet

The one I think

Can bring change

————–

I’m in rehab

Drugged

Sleepy

Lonely

Tied up

My days float away

Missing my little ones

Every single day

—————-

No one wants me

The patients….

I talk too much

They say

True

It’s difficult to deal

With a bipolar

I’m resigned to my fate

————-

Meditate they say

But I can’t

Still my mind

Never could

————–

Injustice

I can’t stand

That’s the part of my self

I recognise

To be my own

————–

Finally home

My 3 kids

There to hug

My 3 good friends too

My world is back

But what am I?

—————

Dull

Boring

Anxious

Shy

Lonely

My self esteem

Down in the pits

————-

Eyes everywhere

All knowing

No single question

Of where I’ve been

Not from family

Not from friends

Not from neighbors

Not from anyone

————–

All are warm

All our friendly

But no one wants

To intrude

To know the mystery

————–

How are you keeping

That’s all they ask

A question?

Or decency?

—————

Hushed voices

In the backround

She’s not well

Sleep it out

Rest

You’ll be fine

Fine

What’s fine

————–

I’m alive

A forced smile

I try to find happiness

In my lovely family

But something deep

Is still empty

————–

I’m practically useless

I’m languishing

In mediocrity

I’m a housewife

Kids in school

Everything is done

Like clockwork

—————

I pretend

To be content

What am I now

A farce

—————

Stress strikes again

I’m being abnormal

I want to donate

To the church

A small amount it may be

Its a sign

Of generosity

Of bipolarity

—————-

I fight

I reach out

To the family

A call for help

——

She’s going up again

They surmise

I’m turning aggressive

Like a dog

Pushed into a corner

———-

They panic

Rehab they say

Not knowing

What that entails

————-

My parents shelter

But they can’t take it

Any longer

————–

Rehab it is

The same grind again

—————–

Back

In a couple of months

I’m normal again

Or am I

————–

Was I this

A Complacent thing

Restrained and low

A dimwit

—————

Stress strikes again

They observe

The little abnormalities

———

Not less than three

Declare

I’m having an episode

She’s walking too fast

She’s going

Up and down the ramp

The same one

My husband now uses

—————

She’s voicing

Her dissent

—————

This time

My parents stand

By me

In rock solid support

—————-

The rehab is booked

But they refuse

To let me go

The phase is over

And I’m back home

—————

My husband

Gets it at last

He says he would try

His best

Not to stress

————–

My son is funny all the time

As happy a child as can be

A nagging thought

Fills my mind

Why the mood swings

Why the difficulty

In writing

In spelling

Why is it

So tough for him

—————

I turn online

For answers

A word

Dysgraphia

Why him, I cry

I need to search

There’s an answer

It’s CORTISONE

—————-

He’s cooked we were told

I wish I knew

To perfect his lungs

There was a prick

The CORTISONE

—————

Why I cried

Wasn’t I told

The doctors decide

On their own

—————–

Then there’s the day

I lose control

I cannot walk

Unconscious

I’m taken

To the hospital

Detoxified

It’s the Lithium

—————-

The dosage reduced

My memory damaged

But I’m fine

At last I’m free

Don’t know how long

—————–

My feelings now

I think

Are my own

The quiet joy

The peace

Reconciled

With my fate

————-

I may not have

That many friends

My daughters going

Through teen rebel

But life is good

For Today

————-

Drugged

Compliant

Anger at times

Indignant

At injustice

Happy

Sad

Are those swings

Bipolar

or CORTISONE?

—————–

DOES HE EXIST??

——————

Wasn’t it He

That saved me

As a child

When I was lost

That man who led me

Back home

From that fearful place

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it He

That gave me the strength

To deal

With the wheezing

Lead me to that doctor

Who gave me relief

Was it just a coincidence?

—————

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the wise old priest

Who said

If it is meant to be

It will be

Else it shall pass away

And pass away it did

I was no longer engaged

Was it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it He

that helped me

To ace my exams

When I was in despair

Was it just coincidence?

—————–

That that page I last saw

Was the question

I had to answer

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me my husband

The one who had sought my hand

Before I was engaged

To another

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

That saved me

From the devil

In my room

Alone in the night

Was it just a coincidence?

—————

Wasn’t it He?

That gave me my daughters

That gave us courage

to go to the doctors

When I was certified

Medical fit

Was it just a coincidence?

————–

Wasn’t it HE

That led me to that hospital

To the doctors

That gave me my son

A living miracle

No cleft

No missing limb

No retardation

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

Who gave me

My greatest help

My soul sister

My maid

Who mothers my kids

Takes them for her own

When I am gone

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Wasn’t it he

That showed me

That billion dollar error

Was it just a coincidence?

—————-

Wasn’t it HE

Who walked with me

My son in my womb

When I felt unsafe

In Seven Hills

The hospital

Took me

To the Holy Spirit

Hospital

To the blessed

Sacrament

Three and a half

Kilometers

I walked that day

Knowing where

I wanted to be

But not knowing

The way

There I go into the chapel

I’m searching for

The hospital

There it is

The blessed sacrament

I kneel I pray

For my unborn child

The sister

Then leads me

Back

To seven hills

Where they gave him

The cortisone

Was that all

Meant to be

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Just yesterday

I want to know

The distance

Between seven hills

And Holy Spirt

To add to

My blog

I take the phone

The teacher sends

My daughters location

I open the link

It shows

In bright red

The location

Of

The Holy Spirit

Hospital

Wasi it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it HE

That led me

To the websites

To the doctors

To the rehab

To the medicines

Not just for me

But my family?

Was it just a coincidence?

——————

Wasn’t it HE

That blessed us

With wealth

With happiness

With peace

Beyond measure

Wasn’t it HE

That gave me

A family full

Of warmth and love?

————

They may not want to ask

They many not want to talk

About the taboo

But they stand by me

Through thick and thin

Was it just a coincidence?

—————–

Was’nt  it HE

That guided me

Through the years

Not letting me falter

Hinting at his presence

Through all the coincidences

—————

Wasn’t it HE

Who led us

To Potta

What does it profit a man

If he gains the whole world

But loses his soul ..Mark 8:36

The verse

I taught my kids

The  verse

In the opened Bible

The verse

In the talk

All the same

That can’t be coincidence

Gods speaks!

————

They continue to happen

Once in awhile

But we’re at peace

The peace we received

In prayer

———-

It doesn’t matter

Any more….

These coincidences

—————

For now…. I Know

True my kids have their issues

They often wander off the path

Of wisdom and of truth

My son’s handwriting

His spellings

May or not

Get better

My bipolar self

May not go away

The rehab

May beckon again

Ill do my best

To walk his path

To speak up

For what I think is right

———–

If it lands me in trouble

I don’t much care

What people say

They don’t want

To hear me

My family

They let me soar

They help me

To be me

—————

Sometimes

happy

sad

angry

loving

hating

deluded

aggressive

peaceful

placid

jealous

greedy

doubting

and so on,,,,

but that’s all me

————-

I will journey

On His path

Sometimes flounder

Get back on track

With his strength

My human failings

Forgiven

Time and again

————

Old things past

A new beginning

Of Surrender

Of Love

Of Grace

Of hope

———–

Comments

1.
VibrationsJanuary 14, 2020 at 8:19 AM
Wow. This was amazing 🙂

2. Keep writing!

3.

4. Dhruv.
REPLY

5.
UnknownJanuary 19, 2020 at 8:25 AM
You are amazing Lovi. The strength. That is all you. Never under estimate the power of YOU!!! Through all of that you will come out glorious. Love you always

Categories
My bipolar life and Aasthma Uncategorized

The rehab

The rehab
I’m silent
Screaming within
———
Forced
Into the car
——–
I know not where
We’re heading
But it’s far enough
———
For hours we go
Outside the city
The fields around
———
I wish I could
Cease to exist
———
This isn’t fair
I harmed no one
———-
I’m labelled 
Bipolar 
——–
I have no choice
No escape
——–
We’re there
The gates open
———
I’m on a bed
——–
They tell me
Your husband
And his brother
Are talking
To the doctor
——
They will come
——–
I know they won’t
I never see them
——
They tell me 
To  lie down 
——–
On a bed
Enclosed with curtains 
———
It’s claustrophobic 
——–
No one
Talks to me
———
To my horror
I see them
Other patients
Tied up
To their beds
———
With chords
——–
The curtains
Drawn around
No ventilation 
———
Fear strikes
I yell 
I scream out
Who wouldn’t
——–
You cannot
Do this to me
———-
The Constitution 
Guarantees
The right to freedom
——–
Little do I know
There’s a 
Mental Health Act
——–
I’m glad now
It’s revised
———
It just takes
A Shrink 
To sign
——-
To certify you
A mental patient
——-
The Act
It’s modified now
You cannot be 
Tied in chains
It’s inhuman
———
How does it matter
You can still be
Restricted with chords
———
I cry out
You’re doing evil
This is illegal
——–
They untie me
And tie me again
——-
My hands
Twisted backwards
———
The pain
It’s unbearable 
——–
They give me meds
I refuse
You inject I say
You’re not my doctor
———
So they comply
——–
Morning comes
The pain unbearable 
——–
You keep your quiet
We will untie you
———
This goes on
For two days
——–
The medicine acts
I’m drowsy
Incoherent 
I’m in a room
——-
I don’t realise
My bed is soiled
And my clothes 
——-
I walk down
There are people
Mostly addicts
A few alcoholic
A few depressed
A schizophrenic
A couple like me
Bipolar
——–
All put in 
Together
——–
All abnormal 
Some defect or other
———
The Maushis
They’re after me
Have a bath
——–
No say I
I’ve no idea
I’m covered with urine
——-
They carry me
I don’t resist
—–
The poor Maushis
They bathe and clothe
——
I go out
I rant
About 
The right to freedom
———
The wizened old man
He tells me
We’re abnormal
Covered under
The Mental Health Act
———–
But I didn’t hit
Physically assault
It was they
Who 
Were physical
They captured me
Dumped
Me here
Without
Even
Meeting my doctor
———
There’s an alcoholic 
Brought by force
By his family 
Eight months it’s been
He’s father
To a little girl
He’s ultra rich
He’s a social drinker
He says
My family
Can’t accept 
———
At this rate 
I think
Half the Catholics
Should be in too
——–
He’s stubborn 
I won’t go till
They accept
Me
As I am
——–
He doesn’t 
For eight months
He then goes 
Picks up his child
———-
His family 
Compromises
——–
He’s truly free
He has his freedom 
To drink
With his friends 
He’s not
An alcoholic 
———
There’s this
Supposedly
Prince
Of one of the
Kingdoms
In Afri
He’s Catholic
No one
Speaks to him
——-
I try
I don’t know 
What’s wrong with him
He comes and takes
The only book I have
The Bible
And returns it
The next day
If he can read
I don’t know 
——–
This is one story
I won’t forget 
He’s tied up 
Next to me
Untie me 
He pleads
What are you 
Here for
I ask
He’s mum
Anyway
I untie myself 
I know how
And him too
And we are quiet
Till morning 
——–
We’re fine
I tell the doctor 
You needn’t 
Tie us up 
Any more
He lets us go
That young boy
Out he goes
———
Slaps an old lady
He’s in
For Anger management 
Bad decision
On my part
Or would he be angry
In the first place
If they hadn’t 
Tied him up
————
This grand old lady
So soft spoken
Mentions her
Son
A fashion designer 
So fondly
Schizophrenia 
They say
 Never met
 A milder soul
——–
There’s group therapy
The conductor 
Insensitive 
He can’t
Hear her whispers
He’s angry 
I try
To intervene 
Hie ego hurt
I’m tied up 
Again
——–
The yoga instructor 
This lady full of innuendo
He joins
It’s vulgar
Their comments
With every pose
He teaches foreigners 
They say
With nimble bodies
I try
My old back ache
Acts up
I opt out
The yoga
It’s mandatory 
You get called
Out of your room
If you’re not there 
It’s all about 
Attendance
The old
The people
Who can’t bend
Their bodies
Sit it out
——–
We’re not allowed
To  play
Carrom
Or talk
The old teacher
He would ask
The oldies
To sit 
And teach them
Yoga
That they did
Sitting
On their chairs
——–
Not content
I approach
This new teacher
He says
The oldies 
They won’t come
I’ll bring them I say
If you do
I’ll teach them
He smirks
They are my friends
These old people 
They turn up 
Next morning
He casts a glance
At me
And them
And promptly 
Starts
His class as usual
 Im not
One to give up
I start my OM
The guards appear
I’m tied up
I’m non Compliant
——-
The interns
Every day 
They’re writing down
The prescriptions
All over again
Homework 
I call it
I make a mental note
Some excel sheets
Will help them
And reduce mistakes
The nurses
They’re filling up medicines
The two of them
For seventy five people
I insist
I want to check 
What they’re giving me
Those overworked souls
They manage the ICU too
They’ve made a mistake
I don’t recall 
What it was
An extra dose
Or a pill forgotten
Now every day
They read out
My medicine
Pill by pill 
On my palm
——–
They’ve played badminton 
For their state
This brother and sister
They need the money
For studying further
——–
The old lady 
On the bed
Her toe eaten 
By a rat
Not healing
She stays
They say
Because 
Her retarded son
And she 
Have no one
She stays in bed 
Most  of the time
Only moved out of the ICU
To the TV place
A few hours 
——
In the afternoon 
When she’s tired
Her back hurting
She cries out
Twenty times
They take her back
Finally
To her bed
——–
She cannot go 
To the recreation area
They don’t have
A slope
For her wheelchair
Her son
He rarely comes 
To her
——-
Her bills they 
They rumour
Are paid for
By her brother
She’s rich
After all
She’s Parsi!
Rich
But 
Without control
Over her destiny 
Her rotten teeth 
And her son’s
Haven’t visited
A dentist
———
She befriends me 
This lady
She talks
Mostly about her son
She listens to my stories
About my children
At one point
I know
I have to go
I distance myself 
From her
Maybe I’m cruel
———
My best friend
And old Parsi
He’s studied philosophy 
He stay there
Of his own accord
He has nobody 
In the outside
World
———
His one liners
One a day
Keep me going
——
There is this guy
Handsome and young
Sent here
By his girlfriend
He own restaurants
At this young age
He’s taking drugs 
He’s under detox
He says he’ll tackle her
When he gets back
She comes one day 
To take him back
She’s so pretty 
He goes to her
Hugs and kisses
And they’re out
This is all
The story I know
About the two
The strangest story
Is about this young girl
Full of goodness 
And joy
She goes about
To hug every Maushi
Greet every guard
She’s one day
For four days
She’s bipolar
They’ll take her
To their hospital
Inject truth serum 
To confirm
She’s stopped
Seeing her boyfriend
She lives she says
In a bungalow 
Theve found nothing
So off she goes
Back again 
In the evening 
And she’s gone
If we can send
Our kids
To boarding school
Without permission 
We can send them
To rehab as well
I suppose
Speaking of kids
This teenager
Built like a rock
Plays lawn tennis 
They’re rich
His parents
They want to build
A court for him 
On the new building
In his village
Which has now 
Become a city
I smoke he said
I won’t be surprised 
If there were drugs
In that smoke 
I’ve missed my
Boards he says
Couldn’t they 
Put me in
After my exams?
I don’t know
Their part of the story
But I feel
Sad
For this kid
The saddest 
Is this young girl
Depressed
In tears 
Sticking to
Her coterie
Of rich friends 
One of them
A film director 
Who stays 
Alone
Also depressed 
In a cottage 
She’s from Kenya
They say
Was in love
With someone inappropriate 
Locked in here
By her father
Seventy five grand a month
Two years
She looks old enough
They say
To make her own decisions
There this woman 
Whose fallen in love
With a Christian 
A rickshaw driver
She says
Her rich brother
Well intentioned
Has spent his money
To help her see
Through her
Infatuation
There’s a doctor
Homeopathic
A kind soul
If there ever was one
Her husband died
She depressed
Her brother
A kind soul
Spent so much
For 
He brought her
To this calm place 
To recover
She’s fine now
Out of the place 
After two years
Two years
She cries out
When I happen
To meet her
Later
There’s this boy
Should be in college
Forced in here
Without his consent
With borrowed money
Been there two months
They put me in
By force
I’ll drink again
He say
And right enough
Taken back home
Comes the next day
Stone drunk
The most forlorn
Of this lot
A misfit 
Amongst teens
And adults
Is this boy
Who should be
In school
Here for 
Anger management
He throws things 
When he’s angry
He broke the TV
And his father’s laptop
His parents they work
He’s alone all day
He’s clothes few
His shorts too tight
He shown me his 
Skin
Near his underwear 
Fungal infection 
I wonder why his anger
Couldn’t be controlled 
By medicine
He’s sent here 
As are others
To be taught
Compliance 
There is another lady
An Indian from Africa
Shizophrenic
She talks of wealth
Of mansions in UK
Special treatment 
She’s allowed
Bose speakers
And a laptop
The kid on medicine
Putting on rapid weight
Hungry
I give him
My teatime
Snacks
The ice is broken 
His mother called them
She’s a widow
Not much moneyi
She shelled out
For this expensive place
The bouncer
He injected him
And bought him here
But now they’re not sending 
Him out yet
He begs me
To speak 
To his mother
When she comes
I do
Nothing changes
There’s the alcoholic 
He paid to be in
To get rid of his habit
He couldn’t deal
With his ADHD son
Took recourse
To alcohol 
Lost his job
Lost his wife
The poor soul now
Has to deal
With the money
And cope 
With her ADHD son 
All alone
They do give them detox
They write letters of gratitude 
When they leave
I just pray
They don’t relapse
All we get
Is a pen and pencil
When we beg
No books
The library 
It’s being 
Renovated
We’re told
Atleast I have
My Bible
They allowed me that
There’s 
Breakfast
Lunch
Tea
Dinner
All made by a cook
And his helpers
Who march about 
The kitchen 
In their slippers 
Now the stories
About the people
are done
The stories
About the place 
The TT table you can use
But if you smash the ball
And it dents
You’re done for
All your friends
Berate you’re
The supervisor 
Will not give
Another one
The counsellor 
She is sweet
Gives me scientific 
Books to read
On the physical
And chemical
Aspects of
Bipolar disorder
I don’t understand 
Half of them
Or more
I’m no scientist
Then the meditation
I try hard 
To close my eyes
And still my mind
This is not
My kind of relaxation
My brain  ties out
For stimulation 
Maybe a book
Thre therapists
They come out
With vague stuff 
Like role play
Or moulding clay
Anything that 
Does not involve
An expense
I mould a crude rose
My daughter 
Could do much better
They applaud 
At my creativity 
All of them
Expense
That’s the keyword
You have to beg 
For carrom powder
Or a pen
Or a notebook
Or slippers
When yours are stolen
Never mind
They change for them
The bouncer it is his job
To handle people
Who need to be brought
A God fearing man
Sincerely believing
He’s doing good
I spend time
Talking to him
As he has time
To talk to me
Unless that rare
Call comes
The Maushis
Nine thousand a month
They slog
Wash clothes
Seventy five inmates 
No washing machines
The beds often soiled
No rubber sheets 
My room is non A/c
I cannot take the pigeon droppings
That float in 
Through
The air conditioning 
The fan 
It’s not working
Two days
Not repaired
It’s May
I take off my clothes
Wet my body
And try to sleep
In my
Luxury Rehab
And then
The screams
They go on and on
High pitched
Like someone tortured
I dress
Am out
But can’t tell
Where
They’re coming from
Those horrifying sound?
It’s female
But not from our rooms
I close my ears
And try to sleepThe next day
In the ICU
There are no females
Except
The old
Benign
Parsi Aunty
I ask her
Was someone
Screaming
Yesterday
No she says
You’re mistaken
But I
Can still hear them
In my house
Today
Always
The troublemaker
I
Make an
Improvement list
And hand it over
To the counsellor 
To be handed
To the owner
The gold medalist 
She smiles 
A benevolent smile
Takes it
Does nothing
She knows
Things won’t change
The next meeting
I take it back
Barge into
The owners office
It’s out of bounds 
For patients
And our place
Out of bounds
For her
The guards
They threaten
To tie me up
I don’t budge
I want to see her
She comes
She’s young
A gold medalist
With a rehab
Who doesn’t interact
With her patients 
Is it because
She doesn’t 
Want to see?
She listens
For some time
Then says
She’ll return 
She doesn’t 
For a very long time
A wicked idea
Strikes my head
There’s Holi colours 
Lying  there
And a big fat syringe
I open the packet
Let the syringe
Suck in the colour
The guards
They promptly come
As expected 
The haul me out
To be taken
To be tied
I let them
But sit down
On the floor
Gandhi style
They try their best
The ICU
It’s full
Of other people 
Tied up
They let me go
The good doctor 
He’s all smiles
I want to go
Home
I tell him
Don’t worry 
He says
The next time
Your husband comes
Ask him nicely
If he says yes
You go!
I’m pretty sure 
My husband 
Will
The next week
The good doctor 
He’s all smiles
I want to go
Home
I tell him
Don’t worry 
He says
The next time
Your husband comes
Ask him nicely
If he says yes
You go!
Stories true
Or untrue 
I don’t knoe
But one thing
Is for sure
That’s not a place
I want to go
AGAIN 
Categories
My bipolar life and Aasthma Uncategorized

The journey

She irritates 
An angry being
She cries out
To tell her story
———
He can’t understand
He’s just not
Made for it
——–
The profound
The mystic links
She speaks about

The coincidences 
———-
To him
They do not matter
———–
But they do
To her
———-
She wants
Him 
To understand 
———-
He can’t take it
The accusations 
—–
The doctor
He says 
Give her the pill
———-
She refuses
She’s not the problem
That’s what she thinks
———-
There’s no suicide
It’s not impulsive
———
A calculated one
———–
She knows
The maximum dosage
That will help
Solve the problem
———-
It boomerangs 
He thinks it is
An attempt
At suicide
———-
He can’t let
His loved one
Suffer 
Or walk away 
Or die
———–
He calls the doctor 
He tells him
The dosage
That she had
Told him
———-
She won’t die
He assures
———
Take her
To a
Government hospital 
———–
The neighbour arrives
The brother calls
Her parents consoled
———
Her brother checks
She will not die
The medicines
They’re not fatal
——–
If only they knew
That she knew
That she wouldn’t die
That  she knew
What she’d consumed
Was well within
The permissible limits
————
You need to come
They say
———/
She knows what coming
She surrenders
Emotions welling
In her heart
———-
But calm
And quiet 
——-/
His heart is heavy
Trying his best
To stop the 
Tears welling up
Inside
———
He has to take her
There’s no other way 
———
No one wants 
This psycho
The private hospitals
Won’t admit
——-
There they go
To 
The government hospital
———–
Two patients
To a bed
Their relatives
Sleep underneath
———
The doctors they
Are  overworked
——–
She feels compassion
But there’s nothing
She can do
———-
Except
Maybe give
Some misplaced
Consolation 
———
Perhaps misleading 
Medical advice
———–
It’s early morning
They have been shuffling
From department 
To another
Xrays
And other reports
———-
She gets to sleep
On a bed
With a nurse
———
There’s no doctor
Blood dribbling out
From
The saline drip
She writes
To the doctor   
LISTEN TO THE PATIENT 
——-
But  then
Nobody does
———
If only they knew it wasn’t 
Suicide 
They’d have packed her off
With medicine
———-
They’ve had no sleep
All three of them
———
The  mania sets in
———
They get a pipe 
The next day
To draw out the poison
She chokes with pain
She cannot scream
The pipe’s inside
———
He notices
Her tears
Stop he says
——-
She calls the doctor
Get Anesthesia 
she says
They dip the pipe
In that numbing liquid
The pain is gone
——-
The foul concoction 
Retched out
The poison probably 
Long gone
——–
Now she’s back 
To another ward
No one gives her
Her medication 
The poor doctors
Overworked 
——–
She’s dizzy
There’s no breakfast
——–
A poor old lady
With two pairs of clothes
In the city
From a distant village
Seeking a cure
For her daughter’s
Undiagnosed illness 
——–
She asks
She enquires
She’s not
Sophisticated 
——–
Shocked to learn
I’m all alone
She brings it
———
A tiny box
And offers her
A large laddoo
——–
She can’t accept
She’s sophisticated
———– 
She has to save
For her daughter 
No she says
———-
You are my daughter 
She takes a bite
———
Is delicious
With homemade ghee
——–
The poor has 
For once 
Helped the rich
———
He’s gone to find
A better place
——
She’s calm
But 
That’s a mirage
———
The mania 
Is rearing
It’s ugly head
——–
The senior doctor
With his interns
Giving them
A monologue 
About what
She doe recall
———
She goes up
And give her own
About 
How vital it is
To store
Their medical history 
——–
Give them a file
Punch their papers in
And keep a parallel
In the hospital 
In case
They lose it
———
They listen in silence
Their expressions blank
———
Frustrated
She heads out
Down the stairs
And walks out
With the strength
And confidence
Of the mania
———
Or is it 
Of the mania?
——–
On the streets 
Cars buzzing past
She has in mind 
A place to go
———-
An unfinished business
———
The direction
She doesn’t know
——–
She crosses the street 
A couple of times
Trough the traffic
Buzzing past
At high speeds
——–
She’s weak
Just a laddoo
In her belly
——-
She stretches her arm
Trying to get 
Someone to notice
——-
She has nothing
——-
No money
No cards
No phone
No direction
Just her clothes
And her slippers
And her faith
———-
She wants to go
Where she once worked
To ask for help
Not for herself
But for those
Kind old souls
Who cannot travel
——–
As they can’t
Climb up those stairs
Of their crumbling 
Houses
———
Then a man
Stops his bike
I’ve run out
Of the hospital
She tell him 
The  truth
———
I cannot take you
All the way
I’ll drop you
At the crossroads
——–
They talk about
Her motives
His life
And then they’re at
The crossroads 
———
Who he was 
She’ll never know
———
But he was 
She thinks
Just
Kindhearted
Human being
——–
She walks a kilometer
And then
She’s there
The place 
Where she worked
——–
She tried to go in
She’s stalled
By the receptionist
Here clothes crumpled
Her face full of dirt
Her hair unwashed
Uncombed
——-
She meets a person
He’s all nice
And his colleague
She’s recently joined
———
The one she seeks
The one
She thinks
Can help
Is no longer there
——
She tries to explain
To that man in white
But her brain
Is a muddle
She begins to tell
A wrong story
——–
He asks
For her husband’s 
Details
———
She tells  him
Where he works
She tells him
His number
But stops midway
———/
Shes not going
Till she finished
What 
She came for
——-
He is gone
To get in touch
With her husband
——-
She’s talking
To her
Friendly
She looks
And sees them
——
They’re smiling
At her
—–
They’re his friends
She tells her
They’re here canvassing 
——–
She replies
She knows
They’re been sent
To get her
——-
Come
I’ll take you there
To the boss 
You want to meet
——-
It’s a suite
With a comfortable bed
She knows it’s a trap
The boss doesn’t operate
From this place
——–
They will come to get me
She says
I’m going out
——–
She walks 
Out
She spots a friend
He’s due to retire
Glad to see her
He takes her in
——-
She sees the door
Of the big cabin
Walks in excited
——–
She’s happy
But wants to know
Whether they’re using
The software
She had developed 
——-
She’s unbalanced
Rage sets it
She races out
Ranting
——-
A kindly neighbour 
Has called
Her husband
——-
They’re all there
To capture her
She rants
She screams
Walks out
And shouts
About human rights
———–
Call the police 
She barks
Like a dog 
Pushed to a corner
———
There they are
So many of them
——-
The executives
They pretend 
Not to see
——
She’s psycho
Certified
She needs
To be take away
——–
She doesn’t know
About
The Mental Health Act
——-
Five or six
They manhandle her 
And off she is
In his car
——–
Was he right
Was she wrong
Was she right
Was he wrong
——–
Could this have been
Nipped in the bud
——-
No one will ever know
Except HIM
——–
Was it all
Just meant to be?
Thrice she was lost
But was sent home
By kind souls
Sent by HIM
——-
Back 
From the streets
To her aunt’s home
To her home
Back
From the streets
To her hospital
To her home
Back from the streets
To her workplace
To her home
——–
Wasn’t it her 
Who told them
Her cousin’s name
Wasn’t it her 
Who told the sister
About seven hills 
Who told him
Her workplace
Wasn’t it her
That told him
Her husband’s contact
——-
Why did she tell?
Was it because
Deep in her heart
She still wanted 
To be back home?
——
Was it because
The Spirit in her
Showed her the way?
——–
Was it just
A coincidence?

——